When people find out that I was a widow, I almost feel like a fake. I don’t even know if that makes sense to anyone but me. I think it’s because I have a stereotype in my mind of what a widow is supposed to look like. I think of people my grandparents’ age – those who shared a lifetime of love, memories, and experiences together.
I was just a kid when we got married, and still a kid when I became a widow.
And yet, I was old enough to learn a few lessons – though I’ll admit, some of them I learned the hard way.
1. God allows things into your life to refine you – and to be a blessing to others.
There’s something about going through tragedy that makes us feel like no one else could possibly understand this much pain or hurt. When my husband died suddenly, it felt like all the air had been sucked from my lungs… I couldn’t catch my breath.
One of the hardest parts was the loneliness. No one my age was a widow. No one could relate to me. Even those I knew who had lost a spouse were decades older than I was. I couldn’t relate to them, and I’m sure they didn’t know how to relate to me.
I spent the first few weeks in a fog. I did what I needed to do each day – hug my baby, make sure he was fed and clothed – but inside I felt numb. I felt like I had lost the ability to have normal conversations with “normal” people.
And then something happened.
I got a phone call that my cousin, who lived just a couple of streets over, had suddenly lost her husband to a heart attack. She was about ten years older than me, but closer in age than anyone else I knew who had experienced this kind of loss.
My heart immediately recognized that pain. It was still so fresh for me, only a couple of weeks old. I went over to be with her and to let her know my heart was breaking for hers.
I will never forget what she said to me that day. Through red-rimmed eyes, she said,
“Michelle, people keep telling me they’re sorry for my loss, and then they ask if I need anything. How do I even answer that?”
My response was simple:
“Just say thank you.”
At the time, I didn’t know Scripture, but God’s Word later reminded me of this truth:
“Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.” — Romans 12:15
My cousin and I weren’t especially close. We weren’t best friends, and we didn’t spend a lot of time together. But in that moment, no one else in the room could truly understand her pain the way I could – because my own heart was still shattered into a million pieces too.
We looked at each other through tears, knowing there was someone else who felt this pain. Somehow, that knowledge brought comfort to both of us.
2. Grieve how you need to – and for as long as you need to.
Have you ever met people who are very good at telling you how you should feel?
“Well, I know you went through ________, but this is what you need to do…”
“You just need to stop _______ and do _______.”
There was a lot of that after the funeral.
I was a young mom. I still needed to show up, finish college, work, and support myself and my son. There was no time to fall apart and definitely no time (or permission, it seemed) to cry or feel weak.
To be honest, some of this pressure came from myself as well. I couldn’t allow myself to be weak. With no one to rescue me – or so I believed- it felt like everything depended on me surviving on my own.
About six months after becoming a widow, my “get up and go” got up and left.
I had graduated college. I was working. And yet, I was completely falling apart. The smallest things would make me break down and cry. I felt like the weight of the entire world was crushing me, and I couldn’t understand why.
I finally made an appointment with my primary care doctor. The moment he walked into the room, I fell apart. In that visit, I learned something life-changing: I had never grieved.
He looked at me and said,
“You are grasping at straws and drowning while trying to stay afloat.”
That was exactly how I felt. I was drowning.
I had believed that strength meant pushing through pain and never allowing weakness. If I had known then what I know now about God and His character, I would have realized I was never meant to carry that burden alone.
“God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble.” — Psalm 46:1
My survival rate for pain and stress is still 100%. But I am so grateful now to have a God – and godly friends- who walk with me through it all.
3. Just because you’re going through grown-up things doesn’t mean you’re grown up.
To say I was unprepared for what I went through is an understatement.
I did what needed to be done and somehow made it to the other side. But because of my childhood and the trauma I had already experienced, I was thrust into adulthood while still very much a child – though I never would have admitted that then.
There were many lessons ahead of me, and I learned far too many of them the hard way.
Looking back, I wish I had had someone I could trust to guide me. Unfortunately, there wasn’t a safe person for me to lean on or learn from at that time. Many decisions came my way, and I’ll be honest- I didn’t always choose wisely.
I still carry regrets from that season. Some are so deep that I can’t yet put them fully into words.
But I know this with certainty: even the pain I caused myself – and others- can be redeemed.
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God.” — Romans 8:28
God has used my testimony to encourage women in jail, teens walking through trauma, and women who feel hopeless. I am not unique by any means – but God saw me, cared for me, and allowed me to grow, learn, and be used for His good.
Tragedy touches many lives—sometimes through circumstances beyond our control, and sometimes through our own choices. Through it all, God remains faithful and will use it for good if we allow Him.
4. Dawn always comes after the dark.
Can I just say – thank goodness for that?
Darkness still scares me to this day. In my mind, nothing good happens in the dark! I’ll even admit that as a grown adult, I would still jump into bed quickly after turning off the lights so nothing grabs me from under it. 😂
My kids know one of my favorite sayings is, “But did you die?”
We can do hard things – because we have a great big God.
Life won’t always be sunshine and roses. There will be storms. There will be pain. But the unexpected is never a surprise to God. His hand is always outstretched, ready for us to take as He walks with us through the valley.
We never have to wander in darkness.
“I am the light of the world. Whoever follows Me will not walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.” — John 8:12
One of my favorite verses is:
“And the light shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it.” — John 1:5
The light – Christ – continually shines, and the darkness cannot overcome or extinguish it.
May God bless you and provide the light and strength you need for whatever you are facing.
Forgiveness and grace are freely yours through Christ. 🤍
~M
When God Says Otherwise 
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